Author Archives: elvamax1

When Natalie came out to me, we scoured YouTube and the internet for examples of couples who survived a partner’s transition.  It wasn’t easy finding role models as most of the literature and videos told stories of divorces and family splits and trauma drama.  I was worried my plan to stick with the marriage wasContinue reading “Somewhere Out There”

In 1981, I dated an older boy named Doug, whom I met at Royals Stadium, where we both worked as ushers (to be precise, because I was a “lady,” I was called an “usherette”).  I was 16 and Doug was 19. When I first met Doug, I thought he was Black. People often mistook DougContinue reading “Games”

I often chide my students for assuming too much knowledge on the part of their reader.  Don’t be an egocentric writer, I will tell them.  Explain yourself, I say.  Give context.  And yet, I find I am failing to give context in this blog as I have had a few readers tell me privately theyContinue reading “What Words Mean”

In 2020, the year of Coronavirus, the shelter-in-place and come out of the closet year, I tried to keep a journal.  I wrote about the sudden nightmare of not knowing, the unseen, the virus.  I wrote about my sister’s dementia, my own fears of losing my faculties, the difficulty of distance and old hurts.  IContinue reading “We Aren’t Finished Naming”

I tried to commit suicide when I was 12 years old.  I swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin, wrote a note, and laid down on my bed to wait for death.  Instead of dying, I threw up on my bedroom floor. I realize now how young I was and how abnormal it is for aContinue reading “We, Alone”

Journal September 19, 2020 I’m an anxious person, who — like many anxious people — present as chill, relaxed, easy going.   I am highly vigilant.  I double check everything: locked doors, ovens, the air in my car tires, the cat, the dog, the spots on my legs, my email, the weather, the news.  I’m afraidContinue reading “Fear”

I sometimes wonder why Natalie can’t simply be gender fluid, not full-on transitioning transgender queer, and leave it at that.  Why can’t she be like me, I think, until I remember this is exactly what cisgender people think when they witness their cousins, siblings, old friends, children, spouses come out of the gender queer closetContinue reading “Be Like Me!”

I didn’t wear deodorant for over a year, during the first few waves of the pandemic. My sister used to insist I wear deodorant, shave my legs, conform back when I was in my 20s and rebellious and tired of bullshit gender constraints and corporatism dictating how I should act and think.  My sister insisted. Continue reading “My Sister Insisted”

When I was in first grade, the principle announced over the intercom that girls no longer had to wear dresses to school.  I jumped out of my seat and starting dancing in circles and hollering and pumping my arms in the air.  I got into trouble, which was unusual for me at that time, butContinue reading “LOLA”

Journal August 5, 2020 Natalie wishes there were shortcuts in her transition.  She’s just coming out of the awkward “man in drag” phase. Her hair is getting longer. She’s starting to almost pass, but she’s still clockable.  Her shoulders are broad. She still has face stubble. Her bald spot is almost gone, though. I wishContinue reading “Shortcuts”